It is Saturday night. David and his significant other (Mary) have planned an evening at home with a delightful lady they have been seeing for some time and really care for (Andrea). Mary is envisioning quiet music and soft caresses all around, and feeding each other the finger foods she has lovingly prepared in a non verbal tribal feast style. She has made dinner light and delicious. David is day dreaming about being attacked by two passionate women who can’t get enough of him with hard rock music adding to the excitement. Andrea is really looking forward to a chance for deep discussion about this relationship. She wants to make some decisions about where to go from here with it.
David gets home, gives Mary a rough passionate kiss and goes looking for his Nine Inch Nails CD. Andrea arrives and is told by Mary of her lovely surprise night of QUIET romance. Somehow this event does not turn out too well.
Unrealistic? Maybe. This case of crossed purposes could have been remedied by a little sharing before hand as to what each participant wanted from the evening. Perhaps three separate evenings should have been calendared to give everyone what they wanted, with the parameters agreed upon in advance for each one of them. Each person could have been given an evening to plan with the agreement that it would be a surprise–please hold expectations in suspense. Each of these people could make a list of a variety of things they could enjoy during an evening together and what they would really not enjoy. The lists could be shared. The person doing the planning or all of you together could then create experiences that would work from a selection of possibilities.
If something on one person’s list of special delights is a turn off for one of the others, it could either be shared with the one it is not a turn off for separately or ways could be found to make something previously neutral or even unpleasant a lot more interesting. It’s not what you do that matters as much as how you choose to react to it.
This works for an evening alone with your primary partner at least as well as for poly dates. Taking the time to find out what both of you enjoy, really looking into yourselves to discover your innermost desires (in bed and out) then sharing the information, will make that relationship more intimate and more joyous than ever before. You’ll both have more fun together. As a poly bonus, a couple who really love each other and show it, attract more of the right kinds of additional loves than do the couple who growl at each other or just seem bored. Which kind would you want to be around?
Not in a relationship right now? You can still figure out what it takes for you to have a great evening alone or with others. Make the list. Choose something on it you can create and calendar it. Make it something that does not require a lover if there isn’t one easily accessible right now. Choose from the possible, then go for it! You could have a great time even by yourself if you plan it right–not just the activities, but your attitude toward them. If you think of this as a booby prize for what you really wanted, you could create a miserable time for yourself. If you think of it as an exciting adventure in pleasing the one person you know you’ll be spending the rest of your life with, it could be more marvelous than you ever expected. If, on another occasion, you decide to get someone to join you for the evening, you’ll at least have an idea of what it takes for you to have fun. Call people you know would enjoy that kind of evening until you find one who is available in the near future and make a date for it. If what you want is simply to spend the evening with a particular person, find out what this person’s parameters might be for a wonderful evening. Have fun making an impromptu list together and surprise your friend with one or more of those things. This could lead to more than friendship if that is what you’re aiming for. How many people have bothered to do this with him or her before? Ever wished you had an edge in getting someone special to be willing to spend time with you? You’ve got it now.